Naked Beach
by Jam.MastahXJay
Summary: Based on a 'banned' clip from SNL, only this is featuring Touya and Hiei! And Hiei is in heat, with his uke husband, on a naked beach... Crap...


OK, I was watching '101 Most Unforgettable SNL Moments', and before anyone bashes on me, YES, I DO WATCH FUCKING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!! ...

Anyway, I heard about this... segment that was only played, like... Once or some shit because it had to do with the word 'penis' said a whole shitload of times. And I ain't gonna write 'penis' a whole bunch of times.

...

Just some other words.

...

... Soooo, I got this idea from hearing about said segment. It's rated M because... yeah... :P"

No, it's just because you'll read scenes that maybe rated T readers won't be able to handle some of the shit you're gonna read.

And it's kind of an... _alternative _honeymoon to 'The Wedding' that I typed about Hiei and Touya. (shrugs) OK, it's supposed to be funny. But it's fine if you don't like it. Soooo...

READ AND REVIEW!! :D

* * *

Hiei and Touya were sitting in two seats on a plane, looking bored.

"We're ready for landing," a voice said into the intercom. Hiei groaned. He was sweating and he refused to look at his uke husband. Hiei was in heat and Crissy, JJ's cousin, had given him his... worm back.

...

Scary, huh? And feel pitiful for Toy. He doesn't know his SEME husband is IN HEAT.

"Greaaaat," Hiei muttered sarcastically.

"C'mon Hiei, it's not like it'll kill us," Touya said, trying to reason with his seme husband. Hiei looked out the window. He saw the same thing.

Clouds.

"Come on, Touya. We went on a honeymoon already. By the way, where the hell are we going?" Touya shrugged.

"I dunno. JJ said she wants to experiment something." Hiei scoffed.

"Using us?" Touya nodded.

"Prepare to land," the same voice said firmly.

"Joy," Hiei muttered.

:AT THE HOTEL:

"Hey Hiei, wanna go down to the beach?" Touya asked, searching through his bag, trying to find his swimsuit. Hiei was sitting on the only bed in the room, still refusing to look at Touya.

...

He was goin' **_CRAZY_**!!

"Hn." Touya sighed.

RING!! RING!! FUCKING ANSWER THE PHONE!!

Touya and Hiei jumped.

"The phones down in the Bahamas _talk_?!" Hiei yelled, inching slowly away from the black phone. Touya swiftly picked up the phone.

"Yeah?" he said, trying to find his bathing suit. It wasn't in there.

"HEEEY!!" Touya and Hiei groaned.

"JJ, where the hell is my swimsuit?" the 'ice shinobi' cosplayer asked, really annoyed.

"They have... birthday suits down at the beach," the thirteen year old said, trying not to laugh.

"Oh. What are birthday suits?" Touya asked curiously.

"Err... Special suits. I gotta go! ... Good luck." Then, JJ hung up, as did Touya. He shrugged and turned to face Hiei.

"OK, they have suits down there for us, Hiei." Touya took off his shirt. Hiei covered his worm with a pillow.

_"Dammit Touya," _Hiei thought bitterly, looking at the bed.

"C'mon Hiei, let's go!" Touya said eagerly, grabbing two towels. He took off of his pants and... yeah.

Let's just skip ahead to the fact that Toy somehow got Hiei undressed without getting man-handled and without knowing Hiei was in heat.

Now the married yaoi, cosplaying... couple were in only towels. They were now at the beach.

"Oh... no..." Hiei and Touya's jaw dropped when they saw what birthday suits were.

"WE HAVE TO BE NAKED?!" Hiei screeched.

"Apparently," Touya said, taking off his towel. Hiei nearly fainted. "Here Hiei- No!" Hiei said, swatting Touya's hands away. He took off his towel, nearly losing himself.

Now, picture this. A fire demon is in heat and his uke husband and himself are naked. What would you do if you were said fire demon?

Hiei grimaced.

_"JJ's fucking gonna fucking die," _he thought angrily.

"Hey, how's the weather?" Touya and Hiei blinked. They turned and saw a man with short, brown hair.

"We're outside. Why not answer yourself?" Hiei asked bluntly.

"I think it's very _sexual_." Hiei's left eye twitched.

"Excuse me, what?" he asked. Touya elbowed him in the ribs.

"He said it's very _fuck me hard._" Hiei shook his head. Where were these voices coming from?

"We're in public!" he said. Touya and the man blinked.

"Hey, you have a big willie!" the man said happily, pointing to Hiei's worm. He blushed.

"Thanks?"

"Hey! You need some _sex_?" a woman asked, running next to the man. Hiei twitched.

"Huh?"

_"Yes, I need sex NOW!!" _Hiei thought.

"Hey Hiei, let's go in the water for _sex_," Touya said, grabbing Hiei's hand and running into the ocean.

"Wha-what?" Hiei asked. He was paranoid. Yeah, that was it! Paranoid.

"Hiei, you should look at this fish," Touya said, pointing to a 'fish' at the sea floor. Hiei looked down and sweat dropped.

"That's a starfish," he said in a monotone voice.

"Yeah, see? _Fish,_" he said, jumping into the water and swimming to the bottom. Hiei wanted to just... rape him if he had to.

"Hey! You're cute!" Hiei blinked and looked behind him. There was a girl, looking to be about eighteen.

"Sorry, I'm here with my uke husband." The girl blinked and turned away, seemingly disgusted.

"The good ones are either gay or taken. In his case, he's _both_," the girl muttered as she swam away.

"I like girls too!" Hiei called after her.

"Hey Hiei, want some _sex_?" Hiei nearly screamed. He whipped around, and only his innocent uke husband stood there.

"Fuck you, Touya!" Hiei said, running away. Touya blinked.

"Wow..." He took out a waterproof walkie-talkie. "JJ, he went crazy." An evil chuckle wa heard.

"Good. Told ya he was in heat, but do ya'll believe me? NO!" JJ said angrily as a small _crackle _was heard.

"Hey, you look- Sorry, I have a seme husband," Touya said as he turned. There stood Hiei. He had a... lustful glint in his eyes and Touya could feel his... Uh-oh...

"FUCK!!" Touya ran away, FAR AWAY!! Hiei let out a sinister chuckle as he ran after him.

And so, let's just say... Poor fuckin' Touya. :P


End file.
